Can divorce can make you sick?

September 4th, 2009

Did you see the piece in the NYT (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/04/health/04well.html?_r=2&ref=health) a few weeks ago? It said that divorce can make you sick!

It said that married people have fewer health issues than those who were married and are no longer married (due to divorce or death). It also said that people who were never married are healthier than people who were married and are no longer married.

8,652 people were studied-at least 50% were on their first marriage, 20% were divorced/widowed and remarried and 20% were still divorced/widowed. Some were never married.

This study showed:

• Divorced men and women had 20% more chronic health problems (heart disease, diabetes, and cancer).

• People who were re-married had mobility problems (walking long distances or trouble climbing stairs)

• Remarrying led to some improvement in health-but not back to baseline.

• The difference between married people in their first and second marriages - it seems that those in their second marriage had 12% more chronic health problems and 19% mobility problems.

So, are there health benefits to being married? If the marriage is good, yes. If the marriage is bad, it most likely can too lead to long term physical ailments-if stress is the mediating variable. Stress and such are identified as the factors that mediate between the change in status and health issues. Mind over body.

Happiness Heals and married people are generally happier than unmarried people.

So how does this prove that divorce and illness are linked? The study as such does not prove causation just correlation, however, the authors suggest that the findings are so strong that causation is implied. So does divorce cause illness? Perhaps divorced people just don’t exercise enough, maybe they eat poorly, or maybe they are just more stressed. That’s bound to lead to illness.

If you have cancer, you have a better survival rate if you are married. A newspiece published by BBC a few days ago cited a study in Cancer from Indiana University which looked at 3.8M people diagnosed with cancer from 1973-2004. They looked at 5 and 10 year survival rates.

The data showed that married people had a 63% chance of surviving five years compared with 45% of those who were separated, 52% who were divorced and 47% who were widowed. You can read more on this study here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8217959.stm

Fat Down South

August 21st, 2009

According to an article on Time.com, Mississippi has an adult obesity rate of 33%.  That is a whopping number.

But being obese isn’t just about weight; it affects your entire being and lifestyle including, yes, your libido.

Remember Morgan Spurlock (”Supersize Me”) whose physical, psychological, AND sexual well being (”my sex life was nonexistent”) was compromised by the 24.5 lbs he added over a one month period of eating exclusively fast food-big Mac’s and the like.

How does being overweight affect your sex drive?

The latest research has shown that problems with sex drive, performance, and desire in obese people usually stems from the medical conditions that are associated with being overweight.  In men this can be erectile problems which- in turn lead to loss of desire for sex.  Women are affected in much the same way, their sexual response is affected and this leads to a drop in desire.

Have you ever heard of SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin)? The more body fat you have the higher your levels of SHBG.  This chemical binds the sex hormone testosterone and puts a dimmer on sexual desire.

There are the psychological factors of course.  If you are struggling with your weight and you have self image issues this will have a dramatic effect on even the most active libido.

With all that said, there is good news.  Making a few changes to your body and the way you think about it can help to enhance your libido.  Here are some of the things that you can do:

  • Lose a little weight. As little as 10 pounds can stimulate sex hormones and give an immediate boost to your love life
  • Eat healthier to control blood sugar levels and cholesterol levels - this alone will increase your sex drive even if you don’t lose any weight
  • Try to focus you workouts on getting blood flowing in the pelvic area - this is especially beneficial for women. Exercises include yoga, walking, and cycling.
  • Start reading or watching some erotica (with or without your partner)
  • Start believing that you are sensual and sexy

Before embarking on any libido increasing plan you will need to identify any physical or psychological obstacles that could be standing in your way of having a fulfilling sex life.

Body image is the biggest culprit.  Accepting one’s body is a precursor to having a satisfying and stimulating sex life!  Lose your self-consciousness.  Fretting about your belly wobbling or your cellulite legs, or how your butt looks from different angles will make it extremely difficult to enjoy sex let alone satisfy your partner.

Try some self talk, it really can go a long way to improving your sex drive and desire and if you live in Mississippi or down south let up on the fried food.

For more information on the adult obesity rates you can read the Time.com article here: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1909406,00.html?xid=newsletter-weekly?artId=1909406?contType=article?chn=sciHealth

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5 Ways To Improve Romance

August 5th, 2009

After 30 years of helping people be with people I have seen that passion and romance are inversely related.  Passion derives from a lack of safety and is based on negative feelings of excitement-anxiety and compulsiveness. Romance is different.  Romance can drive healthy relationships and give couples the excitement they need to drive the sexuality, romance, attention, and affection they desire in a relationship.

If any of the above rings true for you I have some helpful advice.  Here are my top “5 ways to keep the romance in a relationship”

1.      Realistic Expectations:  It is a general rule that happier people have more realistic expectations about life.  These people understand that various stages of life will bring different levels of romance and sexual activity.     The childbearing years, for example will differ greatly to the years spend dating and being just a couple. Its all about how we perceive” the experience: rate it good and you will feel happy; rate it bad and you will feel disappointed.

2.      Physical Contact: I hear this a lot- “We are in separate rooms in the evening doing our own thing”.  Instead of engaging with each other-people spent time with metal-TVs/ computers/iPods/Blackberrys. These limit the amount of face to face contact that couples with each other.  Here’s a general rule-bodies with bodies increase good energy; bodies with metal drain our energy.

3.      Periodic Reconnections: Connecting with each other during the day is crucial but keep it short and sweet..  Phone, email, text are all ok, but don’t fill your partner in on all of life’s details/highlights. Save something for your face to face interaction or there will be little to talk about.

4.      Shift Gears: Change “hats” when you reunite with your partner/home. I say, change your venue, change your clothes,  . . leave work behind. Do not enter a new domain on a business call on your cell. If you work at home, keep it separate-out of the bedroom and out of defined ‘family’ areas.

5.      Spice things up in the bedroom: A common recommendation: watch a video together, talk about sex (many couples have difficulty with this), try a different position, or even plan a romantic night together.

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Passion V Romance - What Do You Want?

July 30th, 2009

If I were to ask you which you would prefer to have in your life, passion or romance which would you choose?  Most people assume that passion is more sexual while romance is something that leads up to the sexual encounter.  Most people also assume that both passion and romance will fizzle out as a relationship progresses.

Here’s the thing though, romance does not have to fizzle out in a long term relationship and studies have found that romantic love can in fact last a lifetime and be the very thing that leads to a happier and healthier relationship.

Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, who is a leading researcher, said that “many people believe that romantic love is the same as passionate love but it isn’t.”  Passionate love is more obsessive and normally comes with feelings of anxiety and uncertainty which is only good for short relationships.  Romantic love on the other hand has the intensity and sexual chemistry of passionate love but this one lasts.

There was a study carried out on passionate versus romantic love and the findings of this study were published in the March 2009 issue of Review of General Psychology which is published by the American Psychological Association.  This study looked at 6,070 people in both short and long term relationships and the findings found that those who reported to have a greater romantic love with their partners were more satisfied whether it was a long or short term relationship.  Those who reported greater passionate love were actually more satisfied in the short term but not in the long term.

The study also found that those couples who had more satisfying relationships were also a lot happier about themselves and had higher self esteem.  This comes from the feeling of knowing that your partner is there for you and this is what makes for the feelings needed for romantic love.  They are the feelings of security.  Passionate love on the other hand comes with feelings of insecurity and these feelings make way for less satisfaction and lower self esteem.

This discovery could be the very thing that will help to change people’s expectations of what they should be looking for in a long term relationship.  Do you want to have a passionate relationship and feel insecure and anxious or would you prefer to have a romantic love that has all the passion you want but feelings of security?

Most couples expect that their long term relationship will progress to what is called companionship love but this can be an unnecessary compromise.  If you have romantic love you can revive this whenever you want.  It really is an attainable goal, all you need is some energy and time to devote to it.

Let me ask you the original question again, would you prefer to have passionate love or romantic love?

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