The writer asked me about the appeal. Other than the obvious, that romance, hollywood and sex relieves us of our own emptiness, Annas desire to rescue Grey from his own internal pain is something most of us can relate to. Sadomasochistic erotica is also an archtype-and her taking of the pain relieves him temporarily of his. But mostly . . . there hasn’t been a good trashy novel out that i am aware of in a long time. People are hungry and are gobbling it up!  I too am ready to have my fill of Book 2.

The difference between the old and the new is, however, the timeliness. Fifty Shades is current day. It uses email, cell phones and other standard fare of what we experience today. Mostly, however, and largely a reason for it’s success, is the story line. Perfectionistic driven handsome wealthy control freak hero with troubled childhood seduces and is seduced by a young sweet intelligence pretty woman who taps into his sadness and has a desire to rescue him from his pain. The backdrop is violence-sadomasochism which, when acted out in the first book, causes her to leave, at least for a few days, until the start of the next book.

Sadomasochism is appealing. It is appealing to its readers, largely those in their 20’s and 30’s but also older (as those are my peers who practically bombarded me with the request to read it). It is appealing perhaps because the nature of submission is an archetype of the feministic soul. Nancy Friday’s book, My Secret Garden, published in 1987 highlighted and reviewed the sexual fantasies of women. A different and long ago era, it was her intention, I believe, to free women of their sexual oppression and allow then to believe that ‘nice girls do’. Amongst many was the rape fantasy, a sexual fantasy almost as strong as the rescue fantasy in the Cinderella/Pretty Woman scenarios. In another era and almost 20 years later, Women on Top revitalized the sexual fantasy scene with a more current and updated version. Yet, there were few differences. Sin and rape were still present, as they are today, despite our attempts at feminism. I recall a quote regarding one of my own idols . . .”Madonna is no male masturbatory fantasy”, revealing perhaps the rejection of real power by women.

Nevertheless, inherent to our archetype is the desire for submission and while the Heroine in Fifty Shades takes no responsibility and in fact says it is not what she wants (in fact she wants his love) it is still a part of us.

My personal fantasy, however, (not a sexual one), is that I too could ‘put pen to paper’ (an often cited reference to EL James) and write.

I have created a new look! A little face-lift (website revision!) to show-off the new me! Hope you enjoy looking around.

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Essentially, the point is this. When I was in training and kids/teens/adults presented for treatment the first thing we were told to examine was what was wrong with the family. If we looked within the dynamics and workings of the dysfunctional family system we could make sense out of the symptoms and fix the problem. Today, however, things are different- there are other forces so paramount that we need to look in other places. We need to look at society as a whole. We need to look at other challenges- “social and cultural circumstances that undermine the foundations of parents’ self-confidence and integrity, even of family life itself”. Today, we can’t just look within the workings of the family.

Here is a little sample. About 10 years ago when my kids were watching Sponge Bob, a cartoon written primarily for adults but marketed to kids, they saw “you stupid idiot”. I cringed. That was a far cry from The Munsters and I love Lucy. I lost and, despite my authority, Sponge Bob took over. At 11 my younger son asked me, with permission from every other child’s parents, to escort them to an R-rated movie for his birthday. Did I lose to my kid or these other adults? This is the same child who said to me, not long ago, that “when we use curse words it’s not that we are trying to be disrespectful . . that is our world.” No doubt the bar has been lowered.

Parent’s are not obsolete but our power has been diminished. Not just by cultural forces but I believe that families have become child centered. Since the “toxic parents” revolution of the 90’s we have not just compensated for the “children should be seen and not heard” phenomenon but have geared our lives and our waking moments to what we think is best for our children. With businesses taking the forefront, we have succumbed to their marketing strategies and indulged our children with what we think won’t make us toxic. It has all been about them.

And what has this created? Kids who are pressured to not just live and follow their passion (but they better have one!) but to be the best and be it early because there is no time to lollygag. Liberal arts education is not an option. By college one has to know what they have to be. And getting there has changed . . .“cheating is no longer considered a moral issue, but rather a necessity.”

It is a good read and if you can get a copy I highly recommend it. So what do they say is the solution to stay connected to kids who think they rule the world? A type of parent support group. Maintaining strong connection with a group of parents and, at times, letting the children/teens in to present their arguments beliefs or whatever, is the recommendation. I guess it’s easier to listen to kids today if we have a bigger team. Hardly enough but a good start.

It said that married people have fewer health issues than those who were married and are no longer married (due to divorce or death). It also said that people who were never married are healthier than people who were married and are no longer married.

8,652 people were studied-at least 50% were on their first marriage, 20% were divorced/widowed and remarried and 20% were still divorced/widowed. Some were never married.

This study showed:

• Divorced men and women had 20% more chronic health problems (heart disease, diabetes, and cancer).

• People who were re-married had mobility problems (walking long distances or trouble climbing stairs)

• Remarrying led to some improvement in health-but not back to baseline.

• The difference between married people in their first and second marriages - it seems that those in their second marriage had 12% more chronic health problems and 19% mobility problems.

So, are there health benefits to being married? If the marriage is good, yes. If the marriage is bad, it most likely can too lead to long term physical ailments-if stress is the mediating variable. Stress and such are identified as the factors that mediate between the change in status and health issues. Mind over body.

Happiness Heals and married people are generally happier than unmarried people.

So how does this prove that divorce and illness are linked? The study as such does not prove causation just correlation, however, the authors suggest that the findings are so strong that causation is implied. So does divorce cause illness? Perhaps divorced people just don’t exercise enough, maybe they eat poorly, or maybe they are just more stressed. That’s bound to lead to illness.

If you have cancer, you have a better survival rate if you are married. A newspiece published by BBC a few days ago cited a study in Cancer from Indiana University which looked at 3.8M people diagnosed with cancer from 1973-2004. They looked at 5 and 10 year survival rates.

The data showed that married people had a 63% chance of surviving five years compared with 45% of those who were separated, 52% who were divorced and 47% who were widowed. You can read more on this study here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8217959.stm

But being obese isn’t just about weight; it affects your entire being and lifestyle including, yes, your libido.

Remember Morgan Spurlock (”Supersize Me”) whose physical, psychological, AND sexual well being (”my sex life was nonexistent”) was compromised by the 24.5 lbs he added over a one month period of eating exclusively fast food-big Mac’s and the like.

How does being overweight affect your sex drive?

The latest research has shown that problems with sex drive, performance, and desire in obese people usually stems from the medical conditions that are associated with being overweight.  In men this can be erectile problems which- in turn lead to loss of desire for sex.  Women are affected in much the same way, their sexual response is affected and this leads to a drop in desire.

Have you ever heard of SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin)? The more body fat you have the higher your levels of SHBG.  This chemical binds the sex hormone testosterone and puts a dimmer on sexual desire.

There are the psychological factors of course.  If you are struggling with your weight and you have self image issues this will have a dramatic effect on even the most active libido.

With all that said, there is good news.  Making a few changes to your body and the way you think about it can help to enhance your libido.  Here are some of the things that you can do:

• Lose a little weight. As little as 10 pounds can stimulate sex hormones and give an immediate boost to your love life
• Eat healthier to control blood sugar levels and cholesterol levels - this alone will increase your sex drive even if you don’t lose any weight
• Try to focus you workouts on getting blood flowing in the pelvic area - this is especially beneficial for women. Exercises include yoga, walking, and cycling.
• Start reading or watching some erotica (with or without your partner)
• Start believing that you are sensual and sexy

Before embarking on any libido increasing plan you will need to identify any physical or psychological obstacles that could be standing in your way of having a fulfilling sex life.

Body image is the biggest culprit.  Accepting one’s body is a precursor to having a satisfying and stimulating sex life!  Lose your self-consciousness.  Fretting about your belly wobbling or your cellulite legs, or how your butt looks from different angles will make it extremely difficult to enjoy sex let alone satisfy your partner.

Try some self talk, it really can go a long way to improving your sex drive and desire and if you live in Mississippi or down south let up on the fried food.

For more information on the adult obesity rates you can read the Time.com article here: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1909406,00.html?xid=newsletter-weekly?artId=1909406?contType=article?chn=sciHealth

If any of the above rings true for you I have some helpful advice.  Here are my top “5 ways to keep the romance in a relationship”

1.      Realistic Expectations:  It is a general rule that happier people have more realistic expectations about life.  These people understand that various stages of life will bring different levels of romance and sexual activity.     The childbearing years, for example will differ greatly to the years spend dating and being just a couple. Its all about how we perceive” the experience: rate it good and you will feel happy; rate it bad and you will feel disappointed.

2.      Physical Contact: I hear this a lot- “We are in separate rooms in the evening doing our own thing”.  Instead of engaging with each other-people spent time with metal-TVs/ computers/iPods/Blackberrys. These limit the amount of face to face contact that couples with each other.  Here’s a general rule-bodies with bodies increase good energy; bodies with metal drain our energy.

3.      Periodic Reconnections: Connecting with each other during the day is crucial but keep it short and sweet..  Phone, email, text are all ok, but don’t fill your partner in on all of life’s details/highlights. Save something for your face to face interaction or there will be little to talk about.

4.      Shift Gears: Change “hats” when you reunite with your partner/home. I say, change your venue, change your clothes,  . . leave work behind. Do not enter a new domain on a business call on your cell. If you work at home, keep it separate-out of the bedroom and out of defined ‘family’ areas.

5.      Spice things up in the bedroom: A common recommendation: watch a video together, talk about sex (many couples have difficulty with this), try a different position, or even plan a romantic night together.

Here’s the thing though, romance does not have to fizzle out in a long term relationship and studies have found that romantic love can in fact last a lifetime and be the very thing that leads to a happier and healthier relationship.

Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, who is a leading researcher, said that “many people believe that romantic love is the same as passionate love but it isn’t.”  Passionate love is more obsessive and normally comes with feelings of anxiety and uncertainty which is only good for short relationships.  Romantic love on the other hand has the intensity and sexual chemistry of passionate love but this one lasts.

There was a study carried out on passionate versus romantic love and the findings of this study were published in the March 2009 issue of Review of General Psychology which is published by the American Psychological Association.  This study looked at 6,070 people in both short and long term relationships and the findings found that those who reported to have a greater romantic love with their partners were more satisfied whether it was a long or short term relationship.  Those who reported greater passionate love were actually more satisfied in the short term but not in the long term.

The study also found that those couples who had more satisfying relationships were also a lot happier about themselves and had higher self esteem.  This comes from the feeling of knowing that your partner is there for you and this is what makes for the feelings needed for romantic love.  They are the feelings of security.  Passionate love on the other hand comes with feelings of insecurity and these feelings make way for less satisfaction and lower self esteem.

This discovery could be the very thing that will help to change people’s expectations of what they should be looking for in a long term relationship.  Do you want to have a passionate relationship and feel insecure and anxious or would you prefer to have a romantic love that has all the passion you want but feelings of security?

Most couples expect that their long term relationship will progress to what is called companionship love but this can be an unnecessary compromise.  If you have romantic love you can revive this whenever you want.  It really is an attainable goal, all you need is some energy and time to devote to it.

Let me ask you the original question again, would you prefer to have passionate love or romantic love?